more love hours than can ever be repaid

although I have not yet delivered a baby, I have been making progress on that giant list of THINGS I REALLY NEED AND WANT TO DO. high on the top of that list is writing and sending thank you notes for this past year (mainly for the wedding and the multiple wonderful baby showers our very kind friends and family threw for us). it's amazing and embarrassing that I still haven't gotten those notes done from November (Gavin finished his part of the wedding thank-yous months ago).

the problem is not that I'm not grateful. it's that I'm overwhelmed by gratitude, so blown away by the kindness of people around us that I don't know exactly how to communicate my appreciation. I write thank yous in my head all the time, finding the perfect way to express myself, but I'm intimidated somehow when it comes to writing it down in pen on paper. so I put it off, do nothing, and keep obsessing over it.

part of the problem is that I feel like we've been the recipients of SO MUCH kindness this past year that I don't know how I will ever be able to pay it back. don't get me wrong--I know people weren't expecting any kind of "pay back," but I'd really love to do kind and sweet and thoughtful things for others, the way they have for us. I hope to have the opportunity to, though I know life is not always balanced.

which brings me to parenting. in a weird way, this is one of the reasons I want to be a mother. my parents gave me so much--so much love, so much grace--and I know realistically that you don't ever really give that back to your parents. which brings me to the (stolen) title of this post. it's the name of an art piece I fell in love with over a decade ago, which, through the wonders of the internet you can see for yourself. you can never "repay" those love hours, but you can "pay it forward" to your own children in full knowledge that your relationship with them will be just as unbalanced as your parents' relationship to you. and you can rest secure in the notion that that is just fine.

20% effaced, finally

hi everyone! thanks for the comments and phone calls. I saw the doctor this morning and she said all is well. she thinks the baby is about eight pounds (but that's a huge guess--the baby could really be any size) and in perfect position for labor. the baby's heart rate sounds strong and they don't anticipate any problems in spite of the fact that we're "overdue." (apparently, having a baby late is really quite normal for a first pregnancy.) my cervix is soft and about 20% effaced, which is a relief because I've been having constant contractions and I'd like to think they're doing something! the midwife said I've progressed since last week. of course, again that tells us nothing about when the big event might occur. next week the medical team will start watching the baby closely to make sure that the placenta is still working well and that the baby is happy and fine in utero. if there are any problems, we'll have to figure out how to get her out. if not, we can wait a while longer for labor to start naturally.

so there we are--waiting it out! Jen asked if I felt less restless now that we've past the "due date." honestly I just feel so groggy and out of it. I'm looking forward to feeling like myself again.

we're here

so sorry for the delayed post today--I haven't had any time to myself up to now. Carter's coughing got way more intense last night and finally I decided to wake him up and give him some cough syrup. that preceded an hour or so of serious nose bleeding. by the time he finally got back to bed, Gavin was already up for work. we decided to let Carter sleep in and then take him to the doctor, so I went back to bed and Gavin made phone calls to the appropriate people at the appropriate times. I didn't wake up again until 9:30 when I found a stranger in our yard. she was a PG&E representative determining whether the trees were hurting the power lines, but it was just a funny scene, the dogs barking furiously and this poor woman looking very surprised to find that there was someone at home, after all.

Carter and I went out for bagels, saw the doctor, rented and watched Monster House (he wasn't scared!), and took a nap. that was pretty much our entire day. since he'd only had one meal, I made dinner early and then took off to swim laps for a few minutes once Gavin got home. in short, I got nothing done today, but I honestly didn't feel well enough to really care.

because it was a last-minute appointment, we saw a doctor who did not really know us. she asked Carter about the baby and whether he had any other sisters. he patiently explained about Olive while I predictably burst into tears. then she smiled at me, said she was sorry, and, indicating my belly, commented that we were starting over.

I know people don't know what to say, and I know she didn't understand the situation, but while we are doing the best we can to go on with our lives, we are not starting over. I think anyone who's ever lost someone--whether or not to death--probably understands this innately. that loss can never be replaced. you don't start over. the hole is always there. but you have to keep living of course, because giving up does no one any good.

last night I asked Carter to pick books to read. generally he picks one for himself and one for Olive and whoever's doing the reading gets to pick the third one. last night he asked whether he should pick one for Olive or if his second book should be for his little sister (we sometimes talk about "reading" to her in the womb). it must be such a weird time for Carter, the brother to two little sisters who are both absent from his world, one on each side of life.

still no baby

hi all. just a quick note to let you know that although contractions and cramping have increased, there's still no baby at this time. I am alternating between extreme shock that there will soon be a baby and disbelief that a baby will ever arrive (we've been waiting for so long that it's just surreal to think that soon--very soon--the waiting will be over). last week when I was washing all the baby laundry I realized that it really felt like playing house or laundering doll clothes. it's hard to fully understand the concept that a real human being will soon be wearing those clothes--someone with a life and a history who will learn and grow and walk and talk and eventually hate me and blame me for all of her problems! my own mother cursed me many times by telling me, "Leila, some day I hope you have a daughter just like you!" can't wait.

tiny toes

over the last couple of days, we have been washing (in special baby detergent) every piece of clothing or bedding we have purchased or been given for the baby. (I have heard that this is good to do to protect sensitive skin from the chemicals in the fabric.) people, this baby is not yet even born and this project required five loads of laundry. five! looks like we are having the Imelda Marcos of babies.

during this process I have thought a lot about the idea of showers. the vast majority of what we have came to us either as a present from a wonderful friend or a hand-me-down from a variety of folks, including two friends whose babies aren't even yet four months! we've bought almost nothing in the way of clothing for ourselves, with the exception of a tacky little newborn footie pajama thing Gavin bought me (along with a grown-up size footie pajama thing to match that's actually made for pre-adolescent boys!) when he first found out I was pregnant. looking at that piece can alternately make me smile or cry. but anyway, the larger point is that we've bought very little and been given so much.

I have heard the theory that few couples in our general demographic actually rely on wedding gifts as they did once--to establish a home--because they are waiting later to get married and often have either their own stuff or live together before marriage and acquire it. this was basically true for us. while we treasured all of the beautiful and fun things we received as gifts, we didn't desperately need them.

the baby stuff is a completely different story. we literally had nothing, and through the generosity and great taste of our friends and family, we now have everything she could ever want (and then some, but I'm not going to feel guilty for being spoiled right now). and people have been able to give us things we didn't even know we needed--in some cases, things I'm still not sure how to even use. somehow, miraculously, the end result was a well-rounded collection of the sweetest little baby things you've ever seen, down to the softest ever doll-size newborn socks. and while laundry has never been my favorite thing to do (though it's better with Gavin here to carry baskets up and down the stairs while I sit on the bed and fold), it's hard to imagine anything sweeter than a drier full of fluffy soft newborn girl clothes.

in other news, last night I had the most successful night's sleep I've had in a while. in the middle of it, though, I dreamt that we were all at a pool. I dove into the water and started swimming, but there at the bottom of the pool, dead, was our kitten, Ace. in my dream I knew he had fallen into the pool and drowned. I got out of the pool and screamed and cried uncontrollably while Gavin tried to calm me down.

I interpret this dream as a parental anxiety dream. I imagine it represents some very deep fears I have about keeping this baby safe. such fears must be commonplace among parents, especially new or expectant ones, but I imagine they are magnified in our case. tragically, we know for sure that you can't always keep your children safe. it's hard to live with that.

still under the weather

I seem to still be muddling my way through this flu and now have pretty much lost my voice. that's divine punishment! still, on the upside, I've gotten a lot of rest and reading done (though I'm having a very difficult time sleeping during the night). one of the novels I've recently completed is Anna Quindlen's One True Thing, a book about a woman in her early 20s who returns home to care for her mother during her mother's death from cancer. that much of the plot mirrors my own life experience perfectly and I spent several hours this week reading and crying. I think that was good. there is something about birth that brings thoughts of death, too. we are looking forward to this baby, but we are also feeling especially connected to my mother and to Olive right now.

quick update

sorry for the late update--this is the first moment I've had at home all day. I've been feeling quite flu-ish and out of it all day. then my dad told me that if I have the flu, the baby does, too. thanks, dad, that really helps.

everything was fine at my prenatal appointment. the baby has moved closer to a central position (more ideal for delivery) and her heart rate sounds good. my blood pressure, protein and glucose levels, uterus size, and weight were all fine. I'm still effaced but not dilated, which the midwife said she would expect for someone in her first pregnancy. she doesn't expect me to start dilating until labor. also, she thinks I will likely go to 41 weeks, which means we still have almost two weeks to go. (this, of course, is just a guess--anything could happen.)

my acupuncturist tried to treat my flu symptoms and deal with the faint/dizzy feelings. we did not do any more for getting ready for labor since we don't think that's a great idea until my illness clears up. I slept on her table for about half an hour and it was one of the better periods of sleep I've had lately. last night I was in bed for many hours but hardly slept for any of them, at least not continuously, possibly because it's difficult to breathe.

in other news, two close friends' daughter was born this morning! it's so exciting, this new life our community is making together. congratulations to them!

electro-freaky

just wanted to share a few quick health updates before I go back to bed. I've caught some sort of cold and am sneezing, coughing, and generally feeling woozy. I'd really love to nip this one in the bud before going into labor! luckily, it does not seem to be developing into strep, which I'd initially feared, so I'm sure some rest and lots of liquids will help a lot.

this weekend during acupuncture I had electro-stimulation after my regular treatment for my faintness. I don't know whether it's the acupuncture or something else but I've certainly felt better over the past two weeks. the electro-stim was nutty--my acupuncturist needled a different set of points and then plugged in something like a TENS machine to the ones in my hands. the gentle electrical current through the needles stimulated the muscles in my hands, which were twitching continuously the entire time. it was super cool. also, during the session, I had what I suspect was my first "true labor" contraction, because I could feel it in my back as well as my uterus. obviously I did not go into labor, but it was really neat.

tomorrow I have another prenatal visit and another acupuncture session, so I'll keep you posted.

identity

I never felt much like an American until my first stint of living in London. in a way, I'd always distanced myself from "my country," focusing on all the ways it didn't reflect my politics or values. but after a couple of months overseas, I started to develop a better sense of the cultural differences, both subtle and obvious, between my home and my place of residence. I guess it's not such a surprise that a little bit of contrast and comparison go a long way in developing insight.

perhaps similarly, I didn't feel much like a woman--at least in body--until becoming pregnant. now I don't really mean socially or culturally here--truly I spent a lot of time thinking about what it means to live and work in our society as a woman, and these issues came up regularly in the classroom as well. but the physical experience of being a woman and living in a woman's body somewhat escaped me. I liked to think of myself as someone strong, and fast...someone who could lift furniture with the best of them.

these days I can't ignore the roundness of my body, the expanse of belly, the utter strangeness of uterine contractions that tighten up my entire torso when they come. all sensations that the men in my life will never feel or perhaps understand. the ability of the body to know how to do what the conscious mind could not ever can prompt you to wonder just how much is under our control, anyway... and in spite of the annoyances and discomforts, I feel so lucky to have had this experience.

which is not to say I'm not ready for it to be over! each day is a little harder than the previous and each day I talk to her and ask her to arrive. but even that language is wrong--she is here, with me, each and every day. I just want to know her on the outside.

nesting

yesterday was an awesome day. not only did I have a great swim with no faint feelings, but I also managed to do dishes and laundry and get the house ready for my brother and his girlfriend to stay with us tomorrow night (they're coming to town for Bay to Breakers, which Gavin will be running with them and Carter and I will be watching). this (the cleaning) is a triumph because there are many days during which I can barely do anything. the only downside is I think I overdid it on my back--this morning I could barely get out of bed. (if you don't understand, check out the belly profile photo above, taken last weekend, to get a sense of my current size.)

I also didn't sleep much last night because I was having cramps, contractions, and weird sensations in my pelvis. there is something so exciting about knowing labor could begin at any time. it brings you continually to the edge of your seat--is this it? is this it?!? but likely we've a while left to wait. I'm hoping I'll have another couple of good days during the span of time before she arrives to get organized and really set up for the likely unproductive time right after her birth.

this morning in the car Carter was eating a blueberry cereal bar from Trader Joe's (he loves them, he claims), and I guess it's been a while since we had one, since, for the first time, he was able to read the label. haltingly, he decoded it: "this. blueberry. walks into. a. bar!" then there was a quizzical pause as I realized I don't have the faintest idea how to start explaining that one.

commenting

hey all,

sorry for the move, but I've heard from some of you that you'd like to leave comments on these posts. if you decide to leave a comment, click the link at the bottom of the post that says "0 comments" (or "1 comment," or two, or three!). this will pop open a window that allows you to comment in a variety of ways. you will need to complete the "word verification" field to post your comment--that's just a way to protect from comment spam. please let me know if you need any help with this and enjoy the new functionality!

love,
Leila

p.s. please update your links--all new posts will only appear here (thistlesworld.blogspot.com) and not at the old location on tumblr.

p.p.s. sorry for the plurality issue with the comments, but I'm not totally sure how to recode the template so that it says "1 comment" instead of "1 comments." I could email the designer and offer my services as a grammar editor, though!

the best medicine

yesterday was a nice, but tiring, day. I had a prenatal visit and also saw my acupuncturist. I even managed to get to prenatal yoga class before my morning was over. in the afternoon I took Carter to therapy and then we went to get him a haircut at this adorable kid's place near the Mission Street Safeway. we waited over an hour but it didn't seem to matter because there were so many cool toys to play with. during his haircut Carter watched Tom and Jerry and it was fun to hear him laugh out loud during the parts he thought were funny. a sweet kid moment in the middle of a rather peaceful afternoon. I realized how low-stress my life is these days--there are things that have to get done but it's not like grading papers or preparing for a lecture.

as far as the medical stuff, everything seems to be fine. the midwife checked the baby's heartbeat (fine), my blood pressure and urine (fine), the size of my belly and my weight (fine, although terrifying to me), and my dilation and effacement. that was pretty interesting--I asked about having an internal exam, and she explained that they don't routinely do them since they aren't very predictive of labor. she said I could be 2 cm dilated for weeks without entering labor or neither dilated nor effaced and go into labor three hours later. still, I was curious, so she did a quick check. I'm effaced (she didn't say how much) but not yet dilated, and the baby's head isn't fully "engaged," though she is pointing downward and, according to the midwife, unlikely to turn.

the midwife was a bit concerned about the baby's position, however--while her head is down and her butt is up and centered, her spine is curving over to the left of my uterus. hands and knees position and child's pose could help her move a bit, in the midwife's opinion, but since I do those poses so often in my daily life I'm not so sure. I'll keep trying and I'll certainly keep swimming, which may also help. we also talked about what would happen if we went past 42 weeks. Gavin and I would like to avoid pitocin if possible, and luckily the midwife said we could sign an "AMA" (Against Medical Advice) and go longer than 42 weeks if we wanted to (and of course, we wouldn't make that choice if the baby were in any kind of danger). she also said that we could use acupuncture and sex to encourage the baby's arrival. why is it that sex prescribed by your caregiver just doesn't sound as much fun?

later that day, my acupuncturist tried more points for both my dizziness and for encouraging my body to move toward labor. it was a very pleasant treatment and I fell asleep on the table until a contraction woke me up. I'm really happy to be getting treatment and it may be helping me manage the faintness quite a bit, because I certainly haven't been getting worse. she also has me on a herbal formula for "strengthening the pulse" which I'm still a tiny bit nervous about for the baby. nevertheless, I'm trying to just have faith and rely on her expertise. it's three natural and whole herbs including jinsing and two others I'm less familiar with. in her opinion, I should be taking these during labor also.

I spoke to my mother's sister last night and she told me a bit about her three deliveries and we tried to remember more about my mother's. it doesn't sound like any of it was terrible for either of them, so that's nice news. she also made me laugh by telling me about her fondness for American Idol, (!) and you know what they say about laughter. I have missed my mother terribly during this whole process and feel so lucky to have my aunt and my best friend's mom who have been my surrogate mothers in so many ways since my mom's death.

early this morning before Gavin got up for work, we were goofing around in bed when I got a little too close to the edge.. and fell off! I don't think I really realize how heavy I am and how much my center of gravity has changed. there was a moment of suspended time when I realized I was going over and then there I was on the floor. we laughed so hard I was worried we'd wake Carter. luckily for me, I did not fall on Astro (our german shepard who sleeps on one side of the bed), Thistle (I landed on my outer hip), or any of the various pieces of furniture (chest of drawers, side table, bed frame) nearby. our bed is actually quite low to the floor and my hip landed miraculously on an edge of Astro's dog bed that she wasn't using. but I scared Astro so much that she jumped on the bed, cuddled up with us, and started shaking. poor little thing.

timing

almost exactly three years ago, an important trip to Seattle coincided closely with the due date of a friend's son. this friend had invited me to attend her baby's birth, and I truly wanted to, but I knew that birth days are hard to predict. I went to Seattle for the weekend hopeful that I would not miss the big event, and indeed she went into labor as we boarded the plane to come home. I arrived in time to be part of the final twenty-four hours of labor and delivery, and at the end of it saw a sweet little boy come into the world.

a year and a half ago in January, Gavin and I were visiting Hawaii in what will probably turn out to be our last solo trip there. at the time, my best friend, who had relocated to our childhood home with her husband a few years before, was just about nine months pregnant. her due date was about a week after we had to leave to return to work and school, and we didn't have any other trips planned for that year (it turned out we took Carter there in late May, but we couldn't have predicted that then). I so wanted to meet her little baby before we left. I remember touching her belly and asking him to come out. the night before she went into labor we took her out for dinner at a Thai restaurant (yay spicy food!), and the next day while we were scuba diving we got the call. and so it was that before we left the islands we got to see the new addition to our extended family in his little hospital crib.

this Friday, Gavin's parents are leaving for a few weeks overseas. they are excited to meet their latest granddaughter. I have been talking to her over the past few days, asking her to come a few days early: "come out, little girl, and meet your grandparents!" at this point, unless we go into labor today, it's unlikely that they'll get to see her before their return. so please send positive thoughts--it can't hurt.

spinning

yesterday was a tough day. we hadn't slept very much the night before, and we'd had a very busy (probably too busy) weekend, and so I spent much of the day yesterday taking a few steps and then stopping to rest or retreating back to bed. later in the afternoon I went to yoga and actually felt a lot better--I think the amount of time in vinyasa class spent with one's head facing the floor really helps.

I saw my acupuncturist informally this morning (her son is in Carter's class at school) and she reminded me that I should really take it easy. the baby's birth could come at any time and if it's right after a sleepless night it will no doubt be all the harder. this is good and sensible advice.

it is weird waiting for something you have no control over. I would love to use this time to get more done, but I'm having trouble doing much. I'm not really impatient or frustrated, just curious about how it will all go down. if I could wish for anything, it would be a good night's sleep--I seem to only be able to get two hours at a time. so those of you who are sleeping normally, please have a good night's sleep for me!

thistle

after last week's email and post, a number of you wrote back and said things like this:

"i just hope the url is indicative of the final naming choice!"

an equal number countered with comments like this:

"A big sigh of relief when I read the last line of your blog."

and one of you, whom I still haven't forgiven, said this:

"you are totally caving on the name."

the weekend went fine. I had a bad episode in a Target store (short errands with minimal standing are fine; longer errands that require walking through large stores seem not to be) and another in an art studio (possibly a combination of the chemicals and lower levels of oxygen), but other than that things seem fairly stable, health wise. I don't feel like I'm progressing toward labor any time soon, but I'll keep you posted. the worst thing is having feelings of faintness while I'm by myself--it's scary not to have anyone around to help. but when Gavin's there he literally pushes and pulls my whale weight up and down the street and up the stairs so I don't have to carry so much--awesome!

lately I've been a bit in shock that there will very soon be a baby in our lives. I mean, you try to get pregnant, and then you wait a really long time for the baby to gestate, and then all of a sudden the baby could arrive at any moment! and that's just nuts--you have no idea how to take care of a baby! it's just totally surreal. but of course, exciting too.

we begin

hey all! I'm going to try to use this website over the next couple of weeks to post updates on my overall health, our imminent labor, and hopefully the baby's arrival. I will even try to update the site when we eventually go into labor!

I'm trying this out because between sleeping so many hours of the day and being busy with various aspects of prenatal care, acupuncture, and baby preparation (not to mention everyday life!), it's been hard to keep everyone individually posted about what's going on. so if you're interested, check back at your leisure--I'll try to post a little bit every weekday. you're also welcome to share this site with others who care--it's going to be a bit too tedious for anyone who doesn't know us personally, though.

here is the update/backstory: we became 37 weeks pregnant this past Tuesday, May 8th, which theoretically means the baby could come at any time between now and four and a half weeks from now (damn those first babies!). a few months ago, I started having health issues that made it more and more difficult to do physical things; eventually I stopped working and began resting more. today, my care team believes that the baby is just fine--she's about 7 pounds and ready for birth at any time. however, I've been told to slow down a lot, avoid exerting myself, and try not to get into the situations that make me dizzy/faint/pass out. on Wednesday of this week I went in for acupuncture and felt a lot better afterward--in fact, two people told me that I looked better (unprovoked!). also, after a variety of in-hospital and out-patient testing and monitoring (blood work, ear-nose-throat, fetal monitoring, an echocardiogram, oxygen, testing for pre-eclampsia, etc.), the senior midwife in my practice basically agreed that it's probably a mechanical problem (the uterus pressing more and more on the vena cava, thereby restricting blood and oxygen flow more and more as the baby gets heavier), which is nice because we're finally all in agreement and can act accordingly.

so that's the latest! sorry for the dry and technical post--I'll try to liven things up a bit when I post on Monday.

p.s. we still don't have a name for the baby--"Thistle" is just how we refer to her in utero.