we're here

so sorry for the delayed post today--I haven't had any time to myself up to now. Carter's coughing got way more intense last night and finally I decided to wake him up and give him some cough syrup. that preceded an hour or so of serious nose bleeding. by the time he finally got back to bed, Gavin was already up for work. we decided to let Carter sleep in and then take him to the doctor, so I went back to bed and Gavin made phone calls to the appropriate people at the appropriate times. I didn't wake up again until 9:30 when I found a stranger in our yard. she was a PG&E representative determining whether the trees were hurting the power lines, but it was just a funny scene, the dogs barking furiously and this poor woman looking very surprised to find that there was someone at home, after all.

Carter and I went out for bagels, saw the doctor, rented and watched Monster House (he wasn't scared!), and took a nap. that was pretty much our entire day. since he'd only had one meal, I made dinner early and then took off to swim laps for a few minutes once Gavin got home. in short, I got nothing done today, but I honestly didn't feel well enough to really care.

because it was a last-minute appointment, we saw a doctor who did not really know us. she asked Carter about the baby and whether he had any other sisters. he patiently explained about Olive while I predictably burst into tears. then she smiled at me, said she was sorry, and, indicating my belly, commented that we were starting over.

I know people don't know what to say, and I know she didn't understand the situation, but while we are doing the best we can to go on with our lives, we are not starting over. I think anyone who's ever lost someone--whether or not to death--probably understands this innately. that loss can never be replaced. you don't start over. the hole is always there. but you have to keep living of course, because giving up does no one any good.

last night I asked Carter to pick books to read. generally he picks one for himself and one for Olive and whoever's doing the reading gets to pick the third one. last night he asked whether he should pick one for Olive or if his second book should be for his little sister (we sometimes talk about "reading" to her in the womb). it must be such a weird time for Carter, the brother to two little sisters who are both absent from his world, one on each side of life.