tiny toes

over the last couple of days, we have been washing (in special baby detergent) every piece of clothing or bedding we have purchased or been given for the baby. (I have heard that this is good to do to protect sensitive skin from the chemicals in the fabric.) people, this baby is not yet even born and this project required five loads of laundry. five! looks like we are having the Imelda Marcos of babies.

during this process I have thought a lot about the idea of showers. the vast majority of what we have came to us either as a present from a wonderful friend or a hand-me-down from a variety of folks, including two friends whose babies aren't even yet four months! we've bought almost nothing in the way of clothing for ourselves, with the exception of a tacky little newborn footie pajama thing Gavin bought me (along with a grown-up size footie pajama thing to match that's actually made for pre-adolescent boys!) when he first found out I was pregnant. looking at that piece can alternately make me smile or cry. but anyway, the larger point is that we've bought very little and been given so much.

I have heard the theory that few couples in our general demographic actually rely on wedding gifts as they did once--to establish a home--because they are waiting later to get married and often have either their own stuff or live together before marriage and acquire it. this was basically true for us. while we treasured all of the beautiful and fun things we received as gifts, we didn't desperately need them.

the baby stuff is a completely different story. we literally had nothing, and through the generosity and great taste of our friends and family, we now have everything she could ever want (and then some, but I'm not going to feel guilty for being spoiled right now). and people have been able to give us things we didn't even know we needed--in some cases, things I'm still not sure how to even use. somehow, miraculously, the end result was a well-rounded collection of the sweetest little baby things you've ever seen, down to the softest ever doll-size newborn socks. and while laundry has never been my favorite thing to do (though it's better with Gavin here to carry baskets up and down the stairs while I sit on the bed and fold), it's hard to imagine anything sweeter than a drier full of fluffy soft newborn girl clothes.

in other news, last night I had the most successful night's sleep I've had in a while. in the middle of it, though, I dreamt that we were all at a pool. I dove into the water and started swimming, but there at the bottom of the pool, dead, was our kitten, Ace. in my dream I knew he had fallen into the pool and drowned. I got out of the pool and screamed and cried uncontrollably while Gavin tried to calm me down.

I interpret this dream as a parental anxiety dream. I imagine it represents some very deep fears I have about keeping this baby safe. such fears must be commonplace among parents, especially new or expectant ones, but I imagine they are magnified in our case. tragically, we know for sure that you can't always keep your children safe. it's hard to live with that.